A couple of interesting things hav happened in the last few days that have really changed my attitude on things.
First off, a situation that has been causing me worry and anxiety for months (I won't bore you with the details as, to anyone else it would seem trivial, as these things so often do...)resolved itself in a matter of minutes. Without any of the ensuing problems and woes I had been expecting. Literally months of sleepless nights and worry of what might happen and, just like that, *poof* situation over.
Another thing was two separate discussions, with my wife and best friend, on much the same subject:my constant and increasing frustration with not being able to get anything finished. They both said much the same thing-that I'd been getting too wrapped up in the idea that I must produce work to sell-to make a living. The thing is, no matter how I try it just hasn't been happening. What I have been producing has been so bad it's not been worth the effort. They both pointed out that I produced my best work when I was just doodling ideas in my sketchbooks-that was when I was happy with what I was doing-my natural talent (such as it is) came out that way-and I realised that that was how it had always been. I've always produced my best work when I've been working from within. Whenever I've tried to work to a task (whether it be work for hire or a task I've set myself for my portfolio or suchlike) it's gone to shit.
The upshot of all this is my wife has convinced me there's no point in me trying to be someone I'm not i.e. someone who can do work for hire, enterpreting others' ideas-I need to work on what takes me from within.
I know what you're thinking. I'm just saying all this to justify not having to work and fulfill the role of 'lazy artist bum who leeches of his family so he can create his art' but that's not the case. I want to work. I love to work. Drawing has been my life for as long as I can remember and all I've ever wanted is to have people see my work. It's just taken this long for me to realise what I am, what I want and how to acheive it.
Let me explain. Many years ago I had a discussion with some freinds about the difference between and artist and an illustrator and we all came to the conclusion that the only difference was that an artist creates thier work based on ideas from themselves-from within, whereas an illustrator creates thier work based on ideas from others. From without. That's not to say that one requires more talent or ability than the other (indeed, the same person can be both) but they require a different skillset. I'd always thought that I could be both (arrogant l'il ol' me...) but it seems, on reflection, that that isn not the case. I'm an artist, not an illustrator. Simple as that. My best work comes from within and that's the way I need to go. There's no point in me trying to do what (I think) others want me to do as, more often than not, I fail and get frustrated and depressed. What I have to do is the work that feels right to me and then think about how to make it pay once it's done.
Case in point-a couple of artists, here on deviant, have posted really cool pics of Colussus (one of my favourite characters from X-Men) and I was inspired to do something myself. I did a doodle of the image that appeared in my head and it worked out exactly as I wanted but I haven't followed it on to a finished image cos it taks time away from what I feel I should be doing. The fact is that those things that I feel I should be doing aren't any more likely to earn me a living than doing the picture I want to do so why not do that one instead?
Fuck it. I'm going to do the work I want to do. I'm going to do the work that feels right to me. Then we'll see how it goes.
Watch this space...